“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you!”
– Robert Fulgham

You did what?

During a family trip to the grocery store, a child throws a loud tantrum in the middle of the aisle, and parents immediately flush red. They’re embarrassed about the ill- disciplined behavior. As they felt eyes on them, they screamed at the child to stop or they would ‘leave him at the store and go home.’ Throughout the ride home he is now silent, doesn’t speak to them through dinner and they were feeling guilty.

In similar situations: Do you wonder what could you have done differently? Do you think about how you screamed at him at the park when he was being too loud yesterday as well? Or you think about why you reacted like that? People were looking towards the loud sound, why are their eyes equal to judgment?

You expected your child to behave himself when you did the exact opposite by screaming at him, something you’re telling him not to do! Your child’s reactions are not your failures.

Guilt Be Gone!

Break the Cycle:
Parenting takes time and money, sowing roots of family conflict. There are generally two kinds of stressors – family conflicting with work completion, and work conflict with family time. It’s an unavoidable, endless cycle. The only way out of this struggle is to balance and fulfill demands in both areas.

Father (thinking): I come home so late every day, we all only get to eat dinner together. Even then Krish throws tantrums and doesn’t finish his veggies. Even when I scold him, he doesn’t listen to me. He finishes his lunch with his mother regularly. [Does he love me and respect me less because I’m always away at work and don’t spend time with him? So frustrating].

The current thought process could lead to more frustration and anger, and more tiffs. Instead, talk to your child and observe their behavior. It could be that he or she wants to spend more time with you and is only reacting this way to share his or her feelings.

Word for your Thoughts:
Avoid destructive thoughts and words that begin or end this way:
‘I should/shouldn’t have gone to have that coffee with my friend, now he has overslept and will ruin his sleep cycle’,
‘Maybe if I had fed her more fruits and vegetables, she would like them better, why didn’t I try harder’,
‘Other parents are always so energetic.’

Stop! Take a breath! Ask yourself, are these things 100% true?
You must completely live in the present as nothing in the past is in your control. Our thoughts form the basis of our personality and our behavior. It is normal to have these thoughts. It’s possible to cut back on them and be KINDER to ourselves.

Prioritize and Take it Easy:
A messy kitchen? A full garbage can? Hosting friends for dinner? Dirty laundry? Picking up groceries? A full plate of chores can make you go crazy. Prioritize and complete things that make you go most crazy or when you’re overwhelmed. You might have to let some things go and spend time tickling your kids instead.

Ideal Role Model:
Kids learn what they experience and sense while growing up. Parents are the optimum medium to learn about life and life skills. That said, nothing is perfect. Choose to be someone happy, contended, rested, healthy versus being someone who is stressed, overwhelmed, tired, and cranky. It is never too late to adopt new strategies.

• Accept or declare culpability: It will tell them yelling isn’t a good idea.
• Express honest sorrow and commit to not repeat the behavior: Allow children to accept your flaws, know it is okay to have flaws.
• Ask for forgiveness or make appropriate amends: Finding ways that work for you and your child will also keep them from feeling resentful towards you.
• The most essential: forgive yourself!

Accept your feelings:
Teaching your child to love themselves comes after loving your own-self. You cannot teach what you don’t yourself know. Regularly check your feelings, mood, and thoughts. When overwhelmed, take a moment and give yourself a chance to reconnect with yourself. Respond, don’t react. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. Meditate with music to relieve tension and focus your awareness internally.

‘Me Time’ is not Felfish:
Sometimes you need time to yourself, to complete chores, refresh, or relax. It is important to fulfill yourself as an individual and teach the same to your kids.
Exhaustion is a way for your body to ask you to pause, restore and repair. Go for a staycation by yourself and hand over the reins to your spouse. Take turns to do this and hit reboot. Go for a walk, sleep in, read a book all day, watch a movie, order in. We give our kids time-outs to think about their behavior, do the same to yourself and reflect on your actions, hit reset, allowing you to be more loving and calm towards yourself and your children.

Support System:
Build your strength as you’re not alone, whether it’s your neighbors, friends, family, or a group on social media. Communicate and share your thoughts and feelings with them. It allows you to share your overwhelming emotion at that moment and humanizes the problem for you. A simple call or text with your friend could decrease your sense of self-blame. Be kind to yourself.

It might feel silly, however, talk to yourself, “you are doing the best you can” and increase positive emotions.

Leave the Guilt Trap:
We think to ourselves sometimes “I’m not loving my kids enough when I’m apart from them!”. It is natural to get worn, lose your energy, and want to relax. The thought of another round of ‘hopscotch’ or ‘looking for flowers in the park’ tires you out. Look for substitute age-appropriate things to do such as consistently give it some time to habituate the kids to a new activity like a snuggly bunny who got you and won’t let you leave their arms!

Adjust Parenting expectations:
Just like school, work, and social life requires adjusting expectations, so do parents. Reduce the added stress and keep your own body and mind safe. You make a plan, you think your child is age-appropriate to understand and execute that plan, and you set your expectations for your behavior in advance.

“We are going to Riya’s school today, and it’s her 3rd birthday. She better be nice to everyone and share the gifts happily with her classmates.”

It is important for the child to know the consequences of behavior before rules are imposed. It is hard to plan your entire schedule around your children, be mindful of

their nap and food timings if they are showing signs of a meltdown. Avoid taking them for an outing when they’re due for a nap. Or carry snacks, sleeping arrangements, and their favorite sleeping toy. They know at times to embarrass you and get what they want in public. Repeated behavior is the best form of sharing consequences, consistently.

Some guilt generating thoughts:
“I feel guilty if my child gets upset when I’m leaving,”

“No matter how much I try, I just feel like I’m always letting someone down,”

“I feel guilty that I am too exhausted after work to fully engage with my child!”

All parents experience guilt in different aspects during their parental journey. It holds true for all, new parents or seasoned ones sending their fourth kid to college. Parents make a plethora of choices, and there are bound to be some learning curves.

Guilt allows us to lose control and become our own worst enemy, instead choose to be the parent that our kids already think we are. When we are feeling imaginary guilt, it is a conditioned emotion, an emotion we have learned.

Parents want to take the entire burden from their kids’ shoulders and on themselves. We must realize that children’s well-being depends on their attachment to us, and if they internalize our guilt, not share things with you and keep what they are feeling to themselves, blaming themselves for all the issues. They might think or feel ‘I’m not good child,’ ‘I’m not enough’, ‘I’m hurting Mumma and Papa’, or ‘They don’t love me!’

Parenting is a blessing and a dilemma. A voice inside of us that tells us about the choice we made and what we should’ve done differently. We might feel guilty for staying home when we need the income or about working too much despite wanting to spend more time with our kids. There is no rulebook. We don’t get to win with yourself. However, we get to enjoy this beautiful journey healthily. Always remember, monkey see monkey do! Our kids learn what they see, they trust their senses to provide them with information to form a behavior!

“A parent’s best gift for their child is a healed parent, cause only then you can teach them how to heal themselves!”