“Give yourself permission to be a gloriously imperfect parent and your child permission to be a gloriously imperfect child.”

Rahul and Isha are working parents who are parents to a 2-year-old, Shivam. Since the pandemic, they have been working from home, online, and attending phone calls throughout their day. Today is one of those days where they worked through their lunchtime again. Neither of them had the time to deal with a fussy eater who would throw tantrums the minute he wanted food, who had no patience and had to be fed with one on one attention. Tired and drained, they allowed Shivam to snack on some almonds, peanuts, and potato chips instead of a healthy, cooked meal. As the sun-set so did feelings of guilt. Rahul was kicking himself for prioritizing a work call over a few minutes with Shivam, and as Isha was cooking dinner, she was feeling terrible for not providing Shivam with enough nutrients during lunch (ending up overcompensating his food for dinner!). Both parents felt the guilt and they spent the evening fussing over Shivam, feeding him extra fruits with dinner.
However, these actions didn’t help their guilt, and neither did feeding him extra!

If you’re reading this and you lost your temper at your child today, or maybe you didn’t play with them as much as you would’ve liked, or maybe you lost track of time working and weren’t able to cook dinner, just know that it’s okay, you’re okay and it was just a bad moment, it doesn’t define you as a parent. It makes you human!

Super Parents or Bad Parent: Black Vs White?
Humans, a complex species that can uniquely process emotions, morals, and have a personality. These capabilities make us stronger amongst animals and more vulnerable with our kind. As parents, responsible for another human being in its entirety, we often constantly worry about not doing enough for their child. We might feel pressured or not in full control over the things that our children sense (see, hear, feel, balance). These thoughts of constant fear and anxiety lead to parental guilt.

The notion of what should be or the idea of perfection is a cultural epidemic. Parents often blame or curse themselves for failing to live to the supposed expectations of the idealized version of the ‘super parent’. The internet or the media depict these ideal images of mothers and fathers that are only a societal construct that simply increases more pressure.

Parenting is a process and an experience, some days you have good moments and some days you have bad moments.

Parent: A Child’s Omnipresent God
We often notice idealized and cultivate series of expectations that society has from all parents. Parents ‘should be’ caring, nurturing, patient, strict, controlling, loving, and above all ever-present. Parenting has to be a natural learning process between a caregiver and a child. An unaware, ever judgemental society, that only sees you for an hour out of twenty-four will have the best opinion, as they simply don’t have all of the information.

Every child is unique. We as a community have truly begun to believe that, similarly, every parent is unique and special in their way and their bond with their children remains incomparable to all others.

Parental Myth:
The moment parents realize and accept that the ‘should be’ doesn’t exist, it is an illusion created to keep ourselves in check, not to overpower us. Each parent has the parenting style that works for them, once this is truly accepted, the guilt will disappear. Researchers refer to this guilt-inducing trope of perfectionism as the ‘Motherhood myth’, that now we believe is a ‘Parental myth’ as with the changing roles, fathers factor in majorly.

Throughout parenting, from conception, birthing, to the child turning into an adult; parents are bombarded with advice on what, how, when, why, the should’s, and should not’s. Parents have been feeling guilty as they’ve been asked to shoulder an impossible load. Either way, parents tend to feel guilty whether or not they adhere to others’ advice.

Guilt = Fuel vs Burnout
Guilt can at times be a positive or productive driving force. It is an emotion, that drives us to self- introspect and nurture our bond as parents with our child.

Parents must communicate clearly with their spouses & their children. This will give you a perspective to understand the cause of your guilt. Explain to your child about why you reacted (even if you feel they don’t understand it)! As kids experience firsthand how to healthily cope. Making mistakes and correcting them healthily is the best gift you can give to your child.

Simply because the parent role is natural or biological does not imply that it comes easy or with a manual. There is no ‘one, single’ right way of doing this. We all are constantly learning and growing to be better each day.

The Emotion Trio: Fear – Guilt – Blame!
Guilt is a painful emotion, we often feel guilty due to our actual behavior our reactions that are uncalled for. Guilt, like fear, could be real or imagined. It is an uncomfortable emotion, and we strive to avoid it, sometimes we try to get rid of it by trying to blame others by projecting our feelings on them. ‘You’re so troublesome, such a bad egg you are!’, a mother calls out her son in the heat of the moment out of another unresolved conflict. Often driven by a parent’s own unrecognized and unresolved feelings of guilt. Being aware of this situation could manage conflict better.

Guilt is distressing. It can often have psychological and physical manifestations such as shame, reduced self-esteem, or self-doubt and insomnia, irritability, head pain, muscle tension, stomach pain, or nausea. Parents often get stuck in a guilt spiral. They react to a trigger and pass their emotional pain of guilt onto others in any form of emotional pain. Further, this makes them feel bad for projecting their feelings. The endless cycle continues.

As parents, acceptance that feeling guilty is normal is extremely crucial for the entire journey with your child. Parental guilt can get less overwhelming to deal with if we get into understanding its root causes and coping mechanisms. It all comes down to ‘perspective’!

“The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already are one!”
– Jodi Picoult